Misfortune Cookie
by SpookyChild
Summary: Zim gets a fortune cookie that tells him he will die, and now he has the most horrible luck in the world! But in order to return to the Chinese restaurant to get the curse taken off of him, he must go all the way across the country to find it!
1. Chapter One

Misfortune Cookie 

An Invader ZIM Fanfiction by SpookyChild

Author's Notes:

Woo, it's been a long time since I've written an Invader Zim story! But, that's good, because my other IZ stories sucked… but, this one doesn't! YAY! Go me! So, yeah, Zim gets a fortune cookie that tells him he will die, and now he has the most horrible luck in the world! But in order to return to the Chinese restaurant to get the curse taken off of him, he must go all the way across the country to find it! Um, so, yeah! Read on!

Disclaimer: YES! I'M JHONEN! MWAHAHAHA- hey, I have cool glasses… 

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Chapter One 

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"_GIR_! Put down that egg foo yung and help me with the chow mein. The humans are always eating this…_filth_, and I want to know why. Maybe it has some sort of magnetic attraction? _GIR_, _WHAT_ _IN_ _THE_ _NAME_ _OF_ _IRK_ _ARE_ _YOU_ **_DOING_**?!" Zim screamed, dropping the Chinese food on the ground. Gir looked up from inside the box of ramen noodles.

"Nothing."

"Gir, do not _eat_ this filth. What were you thinking?" Zim asked, exasperated. Gir looked at him blankly.

"Thinking…?"

"Exactly. Really Gir, you could have gotten cancer. Or…leprosy. Now, come down into the examination room and bring the Chinese…_pork_ food with you." Zim turned and stalked away.

"You eat _pork_ with a _fork_!" Gir sang, skipping after him.

"Yes you do…Yes you do…" Zim muttered, thinking that statement over. They stepped into the garbage can and lowered themselves down to the sub-levels. Zim hopped off the elevator when they reached the examination room, and Gir followed suit.

"Okay, Gir, put that stuff on the table over there." Zim ordered, pointing across the room.

"What's pork made of?" Gir asked as he crossed the room, setting the bag of food on the table. Zim stared at him blankly.

"Made…of…?" Zim crossed his arms. "It is not _made_, Gir. Pork is one of Earth's most abundant resources. It's right up there with dirt monsters and that liquid…air…stuff." Zim added lamely. Gir stared at him.

"…You mean water?"

"QUIT ASKING QUESTIONS!" Zim spun around. "COMPUTER! Analyze this food and tell me of its purpose."

"Analyzing! ANALYZING!" The computer screamed. Suddenly, a map popped up on the computer's screen. 

"What's that?" Zim asked, raising an invisible eyebrow.

"The country of China, known for it's toy making, Chinese food, and _KUNG!_ _FU!_ _ANARCHY_!" The computer added with a shout. Zim raised his eyebrow again.

"I see…"

"COOKIES!" Gir cried, jumping into the Chinese bag.

"_GIR_!" Zim screamed, running over to the table. "_THINK_ _OF_ _THE_ _LEPROSY_!"

"Not leprosy, Master! Cookies!" Gir pulled from the bag a small, triangular cookie in a small plastic bag. Zim sniffed it slightly before taking it.

"Well, I see no harm…" Zim muttered. He looked over to see Gir break open his cookie and pull a small piece of paper from it. "Huh? What's that?" Zim asked.

"It's a piece of paper and it tells you your fortune." Gir handed his paper to Zim for reading. Zim stared at it for a minute.

" 'You must pay for your subscription to Playboy.'" Zim blinked, then turned to his robot. "GIR! YOU'VE BEEN GETTING PLAYBOY AND YOU HAVEN'T TOLD ME?!" 

"I read it for the articles!" Gir protested.

"…I hate you." Zim turned and walked away, opening his cookie at the same time. He stopped and read his fortune.

"What'd ya get?!" Gir asked excitedly. Zim re-read the paper.

" 'You will die.'" Just as these words escaped Zim's lipless mouth, the small table next to him caught fire and exploded.

*** 

"Gaz!" Dib cried breathlessly. He collapsed on the couch next to his sister. Gaz looked over to see the wide grin on her brother's face and, shuddering, turned back to the television.

"What?!" She snapped. Dib pulled something out of his coat pocket.

"I have just found a way to beat Zim!" Dib exclaimed, the grin growing wider, causing him to look like the Grinch with a rather large head tumor. Gaz shuddered again as Dib continued. "You see, I'm going to hide behind something, and when Zim comes walking by, BAM! I'll pour this all over him, and then-,"

"Dib, that's nothing but shampoo." Gaz pointed out, looking at the bottle that said 'Herbal Essences'. 

"Well, you see, that's the beauty of my plan…" Dib chuckled, shaking his head. This went on for about five minutes before Gaz interrupted.

"Are you going to explain the shampoo or what?" She asked, irritated.

"Yes."

"Okay then."

"Well," Dib continued, "I was thinking that if water caused him to burn, I wonder what shampoo will do! It will be…" Dib paused for dramatic effect and Gaz's left eye twitched. "THE BATH OF THE UNHOLY!" He finally shouted.

"…I hate you."

"Okay." Dib hopped off the couch and skipped out of the house, humming to himself. He began heading in the direction of a familiar green house.

"Okay, Dib." Dib said to himself. "Don't rush in. Just stand your ground and wait for _him_ to come to _you_. Understand?" He waited for himself to answer. Dib smirked when he did, in fact, agree with himself. "Good…hey, is talking to yourself like this healthy?"

"Sure." Dib answered himself again, and smiled. He paused when he saw Zim run out of his house, screaming like a howler monkey with a whole swarm of bees chasing him. Dib raised his eyebrow when Zim ran past him.

"Zim? What's your problem?" Dib asked suspiciously. Zim rushed up to him, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him roughly.

"The cookie has sentenced me to death!" He screamed crazily. "Run, you miserable dirt-child, if you value your organs!" The green alien then turned and dashed away, screaming and waving his arms madly. Dib raised his eyebrow.

"Hmm… maybe I should follow him. He might be up to something." Just as he said this, Gir came running out of the house, screaming with glee and dragging the Voot-Runner (disguised by the big pig balloon) behind him like a kite. He stopped by Dib and smiled up at him.

"We iz goin' to a safe-house!" He stated before chasing after Zim. Just as he left, the green house behind them exploded. Dib raised his eyebrow.

"…Screw this, I'm getting a Pop-Tart." He then turned and walked back to his house.

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(A/N)

Well, there you have it! What's going to happen? Will Zim escape the curse? Will Gir find the safe-house? Will Dib get his Pop-Tart? Will Gaz get to watch her show? Will the Legendary Ninja Association ever come together to defeat Captain Evil? Wait, that has nothing to do with this. Stay tuned!

Thank you! 


	2. Chapter Two

Misfortune Cookie 

An Invader ZIM Fanfiction by SpookyChild

Author's Notes:

Whoa. I'm updating. Go me. I'm lazy and I don't feel like writing hilarious authors notes.

Disclaimer: No.

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Chapter Two 

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"Okay, this will do for the time being." Zim stated, looking at a pile of sticks he deemed to be the 'safe-house'. "Come, Gir. We will rest here tonight, and tomorrow we will venture out to find some sort of transmitter so we can contact the Tallest and request help." Zim looked skeptically at the pile and turned to Gir. "Go check to see if it is safe enough to house us."

Gir shrugged and crawled into the opening. "It smells like pumpkin juice in here!" He exclaimed. Zim raised his invisible eyebrow.

"_Pumpkin_ _juice_? What is this _pumpkin_ _juice_?" He asked. Gir shrugged from inside the safe house.

"It's what Harry Potter drinks!"

Zim only looked more confused. "_Harry_ _Potter_? Is this _Harry_ _Potter_ some sort of threat to the mission?" Zim asked with a paranoid glance behind his shoulder, as if expecting The-Boy-Who-Just-Wouldn't-Freakin'-Die to attack him.

"Only if you're Voldemort!" Gir exclaimed. Zim blinked.

"…No more watching the BBC channel for you, Gir. Now, is it safe inside?" He asked.

"It's fine!" Gir called out happily. Zim got down on his hands and knees and crawled into the safe house and sat besides Gir. He looked around cautiously before relaxing.

"Okay, it will suffice for the time being- _THE SQUIRRELS! THE SQUIRRRRRLESSSSS_!" He screamed as millions of squirrels flooded into the safe house and began biting and scratching at the Irken Invader. Gir giggled happily and hugged a few of the rabid squirrels to him.

"Aww, Master! The squirrels like us!" The robot exclaimed shrilly. Zim only screamed louder.

"_THEY_ _BURN!_ _THE_ _HORRIBLE_ _RODENTS_ _BURN_!" Just as he said that, the squirrels began to head out of the safe house, leaving Zim lying on the ground twitching with pieces of his flesh gone. Just when he thought it was safe to get up, four large German Shepherds bounded into the safe house and jumped onto Zim, biting and shaking him roughly. Gir squealed happily.

"Aww, the puppies like us too!" He hugged the nearest dog to him.

"_AH! THE DOGS! THE DOGS OF DEATH_!" Zim screamed, writhing on the ground. Finally, the dogs seemed to get bored and one by one they left.

"Bye puppies!" Gir cried, waving crazily at them. Zim moaned and sat up a little.

"Oh, thank the Tallest that they're gone- _AH! THE GORILLAS! THEY HUUUURT! _"

"Gaz, did you eat all the Pop-Tarts?" Dib asked, closing the cabinet door. Gaz didn't look away from the television.

"No. The puppy did." She claimed. Dib raised his eyebrow and looked around.

"Uh, Gaz, we don't have a puppy." He stated uncertainly. Gaz frowned.

"Then who ate all the Pop-Tarts?!" She asked angrily. Dib blinked.

"Well, you see, it was…" Dib then turned around and ran up the stairs to his room. He hurriedly slammed the door and sat down at his computer, bringing up a program. "Okay, now I just have to trace Zim's location, thanks to the genius Alien Detector I secretly planted on him a few weeks ago."

Flashback

The scene changes to a few weeks ago. Zim is sitting in the school cafeteria when Dib walks up to him.

"SO ZIM," he began, fiddling with something is his pockets and obviously trying to keep Zim focused on his loud voice. "I WAS WONDERING IF YOU HAD SOME… SCHOOL… THINGS…" Dib then pulled a small device from his pocket and stapled it to the top of Zim's head before running away.

"AHHH!" Zim screamed, falling to the floor and writhing in agony. "THIS IS THE WORST PAIN EVER!"

End flashback

"Man, I am so stealthy… LIKE A NINJA!" Dib snickered and typed up something on the computer. A large map appeared with an arrow pointing to a place just five miles from where Dib, himself, was. Dib grinned evilly. "Laugh now, Zim, because tomorrow, IT! GETS! PERSONAL!"

"I hate you." Gaz announced from the doorway.

Zim scratched absentmindedly at the large, blinking object on his head, which had 'This is not, I repeat, NOT an Alien Detector. Love, Dib' written on the side of it. Zim frowned.

"GIR! What was the name of the restaurant that we purchased that…DEATH COOKIE from?!" He demanded loudly.

"FUNKTOWN!" Gir exclaimed.

"Good job, Gir! So, tomorrow, after we contact the Tallest, we will enter that Chinese place of PORK-!" Zim blinked. "…WAIT A MINUTE! Gir, what was the _real_ name?!" Gir's eyes went red and he immediately saluted Zim.

"SIR! The name of the Chinese restaurant you seek was entitled 'The Happy Rice Box'!" He announced. Zim jumped up dramatically.

"TOMORROW, THE INHABITANTS OF 'THE HAPPY RICE BOX' WILL FACE MY VENGEANCE! AND MY VENGEANCE SHALL INVOLVE MANY EXPLOSIONS AND BOOBIES!"

"I like boobies!" Gir shrieked, dancing around.

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(A/N)

So, there it is! Will Zim become Voldemort and have Harry Potter threaten his mission? Is Dib stealthy like a ninja? Will there be sexual tension between Zim and Dib when Zim realizes that the writing on the Alien Detector says, "Love, Dib" and not "From, Dib"? Will the men in the audience get to see explosions and boobies? These questions will not be answered in the next chapter, but other things will happen. Stay tuned!

Thank you!


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